How I changed after losing my mother

The grieving process makes you do weird things. 

When I was a child, I always use to hold onto my mother scarf and stand next to her. I remember, holding her scarf was comforting for me. It was not the only scarf but the wing of her. It was the feeling that yes she is here to protect me if I just keep hold onto as strong as I can.

The changes with me that I have notice since losing my mother. I do not think my soul fully accepted that my Ammi Jaan is gone. The silence of her not calling me, myself not been able to see her is what it really hurts. My biggest worry in life was she because she was diagnose with hepatitis C when I was thirteen years old. I always prayed for her healthy life. My biggest fear was losing her.

One thing that change me is that I'm not afraid to die not that I want to die. I went through a stage when my mother was sick and I did wanted to go with her, I cried and packed my bags but I've passed that phase. Some of you may wonder after reading that I really wonder about the after life. I am a very spiritual person' I believe that there is God I believe there is heaven and good people are going to be in heaven so I pray more. Al-ḥamdu lillāh (thanks be to Allaah) for making me more close to you because I know that no one is going to be there but You.

Another thing that changed is that I am more scared of the nights because this is the time to go to bed. This is when I am alone, nobody’s there to comfort me. The darkness and the silence are so painful to me. That is the time when my thoughts come to me. When my mother was extremely sick' we my older brother Tahir (May you rest in peace) and myself was in hospital for seven days. Day and night, I was standing on my feet, trying my hardest to ignore mums in pain. Even though she was in pain she managed to keep a smile on her face' every time she wanted to turn a side she manage to give kiss on my cheek. This memory brings smile and tears. The painful memory that makes me more scared of the night is the voice of my older brother Tahir saying when she passed away, "take everything from me and give me my mother back." He loved her deeply maybe that is why he could not survive without her. How he managed to live a year only he and Allaah knows. May both of you rest in peace and May Allaah subhanahu WA ta'ala give you both a highest rank in Jannah Ameen.

Another thing I've notice in me different that if I heard someone had a fight or someone going through break up or someone having divorce I feel less sympathy, I use to have a lot of sympathy but this is how I feel now...  it's not a big thing you'll be alright. These things can replace with new things. It is not like losing a mother and brother. If you lose your mother, you will never be able to replace with another. Well I guess its right if you lose your mother you lose your mind. Another thing I have notice that I am losing energy. I use to be very energetic. Trust me there was a time when I did not wanted to get up from bed but I force myself to do so. There was a time when I use to finish my days of work in one day. There was a time when I use to write down to do things but now I am not thinking about the future. I am leaving everything on what comes let it be and just focus on the day. 

I am just sharing my inspirational thoughts with you. Maybe someone out there is going through with same feelings. Maybe this is one of the phase I am going through (I don’t know). I used to care so much. I use to fight for this. I tried my hardest to hold on. I do not know how my story will end. However, nowhere in my text will it ever read... "I gave up". Keep reminding myself to be patient to be positive. Share some of your thoughts and make sure to let me know too. Because trust me it really helps to know that you are not the only one. 

~Be Patient Be Positive~ A♡O